My Tears Were Not For Him
by Nessie-san
Summary: This takes place at the current point in the manga  chapters 143, 144, 145 . Other than that, it would kinda give it away...PLEASE JUST READ IT! You'll be happy you did  -  I promise  -


A/N: Okay, so I guess some info on the story is needed here...For one thing, if you haven't read up to the current translated point in the manga, you PROBABLY shouldn't read this fic (if you've read on, as I have, you're probably okay XD). I got the inspiration for this while I was in bed, wishing my teddy bear was my boyfriend so I could sleep wrapped in his arms. I figured that if I missed my boyfriend after seeing him earlier today, and knowing that I would see him the next day, Mikan would feel really alone in that room every day without Natsume. Inspiration for this also came from a picture in a slideshow with a song I like, which says (and this is the picture, not the song) "I'm hugging my pillow and wishing it was you." So, I hope you enjoy this little drabble ^-^

Disclaimer: Goddess, I hate these things. Me writing about something DOES NOT make it mine. Therefore, as I did not come up with these characters, THIS IS NOT MINE. I think we should all just put up perpetual disclaimers on our profiles. It would be easier.

My Tears Were Not For Him

A Gakuen Alice Fic

I sat in my room, bored. Being bored was a very bad thing for me. It meant that I started thinking. Thinking about things I didn't want to think about. Thinking about being free. Thinking about my mother, my father. Thinking about Ruka, about Hotaru, even Sumire. Sometimes even Kokoroyomi.

I'd sit there, after finishing my homework, with nothing to do. I had no one for company except Bear-san and myself, since Uncle Yukihira and Shiki-san worked (or pretended to work) most of the day. They usually had breakfast and dinner with me, but I was alone the rest of the time.

I'd always hated being alone, and these afternoons with nothing to do were never an exception.

The one person I refused to think about was HIM. I refused even to say his name. It was too painful to be separated, too painful not to hear his voice, see his face, his occasional smile...I even missed how annoying he was. I missed his company, such as it was. And I refused to think about it.

Sometimes, at night, when my defenses were down, I'd find myself wondering how he was doing; if he was thinking about me. I always stopped such thoughts right then and there.

"It doesn't matter!" I'd tell myself. I'd taken up a habit of talking to myself since I'd been locked up in that place. "Even if he is thinking about me, it doesn't-" but there I'd stop again. It hurt too much to say that particular sentence out loud.

Instead, I'd just hug Bear-san, or my pillow, closer. I'd hug the pillow, or I'd hug Bear-san, and I'd notice how neither of them was warm like he was. Neither of them was nearly his height, or weight. Neither of them breathed, even though Bear-san was alive. Neither of them could hold me tighter, and make me feel safe because of it.

Then, the tears would come. Not sobbing tears, just tears. Tears of hate, towards the people who had locked me up. Tears of sorrow for the mother and father I'd never really known, whom I'd lost before I'd gotten a chance to even know their names. Tears of loneliness for the many friends I'd left behind in my class.

But not tears for him.

I refused to let my tears be for him. I told myself "He wouldn't want me to be sad," and "He's dealt with worse than this, and so have I." No, my tears were never for him. Never for the boy I'd fallen in love with, who's body I craved to hold close to me as I slept, who's weight I missed, who's warmth I missed, who's abrasiveness I missed. No, my tears were never for Natsume.

* * *

**A/N: So, what'd you think? Did you like it, hate it? Don't care what you thought as long as you review! Remember, REVIEWS MAKE THE WORLD GO 'ROUND! Also, I'm sorry for those who've been wanting to read the next chapter of my multi-chapter fics. I'm currently in a kind of rut. This was the first thing I'd written in about two months. Also, I'm not sure what to write next in those stories, so if anyone has any ideas, I'd LOVE for you to tell me ^-^ REMEMBER TO REVIEW! If you review, Natsume-sama might give you a cookie that he DID NOT make with his Alice ^-^**

**Natsume: Baka onna, you shouldn't make promises for other people.**

**Me: But Natsume-sama, I didn't make a promise. I said you MIGHT give people a cookie that you didn't make with your Alice.**

***bickering continues as they walk away from readers***


End file.
